There is no way to describe knowing your baby is going deaf, or is already deaf. Its a sad reminder that age approaches us in different ways, at different rates. Its a humble reminder that bodies are so delicate, so complex, so mysterious. And although I've been reading about dealing with deaf dogs, the most beautiful part is Lyubov does not need any alternate communcation like hand signals. His amazing ability to perceive lies in the way he reads us. He just knows what we're saying. Lyubov is a master at decoding body language.
Lyubov has been my friend for almost 12 years now. He walked into my house one February morning in 1999, confident, unknowing where life was taking him. And we surely did not anticipate that our life would never be the same again.
He grew to be a handsome boy, noticed by everyone and loved by all. Most definitely the star attraction where ever he went. More effervescent was his friendly disposition and the constant happiness that he shared everywhere he went.
He has seen me through my first boyfriend, break-ups, failures, happiness. Hes seen me through school, college and a post-graduation (and I could wish for more). He has greeted me when I've tip toed home on late nights and when I've rushed to college with eyes barely awakened. You name it and hes been a part of it.
Exceptionally intelligent, truly affectionate, uncontainably exuberant. Always happy, always young, always full of spirit has been the way I would describe my boy.
But suddenly, things have changed in the past year. It began with his body becoming feeble but spirit still quite able. He suddenly cannot run, jump or even walk too much. But it hit me when i began to doubt his spirit. He suddenly does not love his toys as much or isn't excited about things that would drive him crazy before. And then the worst part of it. I began to doubt a few weeks ago whether he could hear. And since the past few days I'm constantly testing him. There is no response. Although its comforting to be unsure, i think I'm quite sure hes lost his sense of hearing. And then i begin to think..... Can he not hear my voice? Can he not hear the car coming in? or the packet of crisps crackling open?
at that moment i do not want to say yes, I'm almost letting doubt take over. But for his sake i admit to myself that after 12 long years his body is slowing telling us something. And I notice that this lethargy and non-interest may be his way of distancing himself from us.
For 12 years he has been a friend, a member of the family and more. He has also been my first baby. A soul I've been accustomed to, a companion who has matured with me. We've grown in tandem.
So in these twilight years of his life it is my turn to walk slowly so he can keep up, it is my turn to watch out for cars he cannot hear approach, it is my turn to stand behind him as he climbs, it is my turn to bring him his rubber duck and beg him to play, it is my turn to wait until he has finished his meal, it is my turn to nudge him gently as he sleeps so i can awaken him from his deep sleep without a startle (I'm really convinced old dogs have beautiful, intuitive dreams). I must play the part of an able, youthful person whose spirit is supported by her body for the sake of an old, most wonderful friend who once had the power to drag me through a dusty, muddy lane because he probably saw a human he adored.
I told Bunty the other day, overwhelmed and choking on my tears that I was quite sure, more sure than any connection Ive had with ANY living human on earth that my dogs and I have known eachother from a long time ago. I knew that they were here because our souls were entwined and incomplete without bieng a part of eachothers current stay here on earth.
Im not really sure what i think of the end.... but I most definitely do believe in souls and I dont believe that the important entities in your life are a co-incidence. There is a very definite reason they have come to be so important. Why my parents and family are who they are, why friends and lovers always find eachother.
But until i remain mortal, knowing this will just not make it easier. To go through the rest of my time, in this life, waiting to perhaps meet these pieces of my soul once again.
Goodbyes can never be easy and while people may say its just a dog, the truth is he has moulded each and everyone of us and made us a little bit of a dog while we have made him a little bit of a human.
Lyubov may stay in our house, live on our property, eat our food and sleep in our bedrooms but the simple fact is it is Lyubov who accommodates us.
Wishing my friend, my baby my everything a happy life where the tail never ceases to wag.
